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TRUMP STUDIES WATER

Customized correspondence course attracts mixed reviews

 

MAR-A-LAGO, FLORIDA - President Trump is studying water via a correspondence course with the University of Arizona. White House spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders told reporters Sunday night that the President’s studies are designed to “help build understanding with Democrats and others who believe we have a natural environment.”

Said Sanders, “The American people elected someone who’s tough, smart and a fighter. If the world has lots of water, and that water is actually a threat, then Donald Trump will find it.”

Trump first discovered water during Hurricane Maria, which ravaged Puerto Rico in September 2017. Observing the aftermath of the storm he noted that the storm was “one of the wettest we've ever seen from the standpoint of water.”

Sanders told the press corp, “I don’t think it’s a surprise to anybody that he’s learning about water. He fights fire with fire. He fights water with water.”

Trump’s online course is tailored to his interests, according to instructor Dusty Meadows. “We use video correspondence for lectures, and the President answers quiz questions via Twitter DM.”

Meadows would not comment on the President’s grades but said, “He understands already that ocean water is saltier than bottled water. Next I’ll introduce the idea of sodium as an element, and then we’ll get into the definition of a mineral.” [Editor’s note: Donald Trump marketed bottled water from 2003 to 2010. Trump Ice was advertised as having high mineral content but tested as having low mineral content.]

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi expressed doubt that the educational program would help facilitate cooperation between Trump and Democrats. Said Pelosi, “I don’t know where to begin. Much of the syllabus is self-serving – tailored not to a world leader, but to a person wanting to re-enter the bottled water business. There’s no accountability that he’s the one taking quizzes. And expenses for sponges and other lab materials are terribly inflated at taxpayers’ expense.”  

Sanders retorted, “If any other administration had undertaken a correspondence course, the media would celebrate.”

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